On Tuesday I was in Chicago for about 16 hours. I went for a workshop for work on becoming a Management Coach. While there the airport shut down due to the weather, and I got to kill several long, slightly painful, hours sitting in the airport food court with my old store manager. But some good came out of it too. Deedee pointed out to me that I am really not a "lifer" in the retail world.
She pointed out to me that I have been letting work cloud my real life and that I'm not living my life the way a 25 year old single person should. I'm not having fun, I'm not making mistakes, I'm not living life on the edge. She also reminded me that I care about the world in a much bigger way. That I really care about, and feel I can change and have an impact on national and global issues in a way that most people don't.
So then I was in the shower tonight and I was thinking to myself about a promise of sorts I made just after Christmas. I kind of vowed to myself that I would never work another Christmas in retail. Because, honestly, it killed me a little inside this year. It took some things away from me deep down inside, and I don't ever want that to happen again. So I was thinking about if I start putting away a little more in my savings account I could quit my job around mid-November and go after my art full time.
While shampooing I was thinking about how I am close enough to Detroit and Ann Arbor that I could start getting into the Gallery circuit, get out, meet people, see what's happening. And then I could spend December/January/February just painting and painting and painting and be ready for spring and summer art festivals. And that's when it hit me... I don't want to sell art for a living. I don't want to do it at all. I really like this little website, and I really like selling a few pieces to family and friends... but it's still retail. And it's worse, because at work I'm just selling clothes. With my art, I'm selling little pieces of myself. I don't want to compromise and paint things that will sell as opposed to things that I am interested in. This was a pretty huge moment for me.
Now sure, figuring out what you don't want to do next is a long tedious path towards figuring out what you do want to do. But it seems to be the only path that is working right now, so I'm going to stick with it. I'll keep listing things I don't want to do until I figure out exactly what it is I do want to try. Hopefully the list will be narrowed down by November.... but maybe just working on the list will make getting through another holiday in retail possible. Only time will tell.
As for my artwork this week, it's a drawing that is taped up to the wall in my living room. I did it my senior year of high school. A transfer student from California brought in this bronze with plastic holly wrapped around it. That was also the first day I ever saw a blood orange, and I was the only person at our table willing to try it. (They're now my favorite). I chose this piece because to me it holds on to that courage. I was drawing a nude in a high school classroom, while eating a blood orange that horrified all my friends.
Maybe by this time next year I'll be sitting on my deck in California, eating fresh oranges from the local farmer's market, thinking back about when I was trying to figure out what to do next.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
diving in deep
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7 comments:
Yes!Yes!This is what I've been telling you.You are made for something else in life besides H&M!Go and get it!
Wow! I think it might be as hard to be you as it is to be me!
You're right to look ahead. You're right to save some money so you have options. You're right to think about options in the shower, in discussions with others, while painting, all the time. Often you don't have to MAKE the right things happen, you just have to be READY when the opportunities come and then have the courage to SEIZE the opportunity. H&M can be a path - a paycheck, several different career options, different location options, many chances to meet various people. OR...it can be a dead end. Trapped in retail at Christmas!
Explore the possibilities, see if H&M wants to take full advantage of what you can offer. Surely there are positions in H&M that require some artistic talent and some real brain power. Will H&M invest in you or just use you?
It's very hard to survive without a paycheck. Paychecks are always attached to jobs. Even the very best jobs in the whole wide world have negative factors.
You're young - in fact, you'll never be younger! Make sure you find out about as many options as possible for a really bright, artistically talented, young person with a concern for the world. Seek out a guidance counselor at U of M or some other credible university. All you have is a BA. Is that enough? If you were to go back to school, where should you go? What courses should you pursue? How could you get financial assistance?
Don't just THINK. FIND OUT. Make phone calls, send e-mails, get appointments and go talk. Make a list so you know what you will do the next time you have a day or an evening off. Take real, productive action. You won't be sorry.
Dream a little, but back up your dreaming with fact-finding, realistic decisions, and actions. AND...If you ever need to hear a friendly, supportive voice, be sure to call.
Go you for reflecting! It's funny how some days you can just realize things like that, but I guess that's why they call them epiphanies. I need a day like that soon so I can figure out what I want to do after AmeriCorps.
If you need anything, give me a call :)
god, a blood orange, Michiganders are so f-ing provincial, get off that limp-mitt peninsula.
I cant seriously suggest anyone follow my lead, be 10 years out of highschool and have no discernible logic to their life path, but there are hundreds of work shares on organic farms, part time private school art teaching jobs, relatives and siblings couches and closets to sleep on and live out of.
“What’s in store for me in the direction I don’t take?”
-Jack Kerouac
"Strip your psyche to the bare bones of spontaneous process, and you give yourself one chance in a thousand to make the Pass."
-William Burroughs
... says the recently out of work taco delivery driver
http://www.organicvolunteers.com/
Whew... good luck with all that! You were always the one of us who I knew would go out and change the world in some big way. I'm pretty sure you'll end up on the cover of the NYTimes, but I'm just waiting to see what for :)
If you want to discover any possibilities down in Virginia, our house is always open. Love you!
Better yet, the orange could be from a tree in your own backyard.
It does take courage to step away from the things that are familiar and try something new but just think about where would you be (or would there even be a YOU) if Christopher Columbus hadn't had the courage to do so and the drive and determination to convince his fellow crewmen to join him.
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